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L Lying
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Source: unknown
There was a certain young man who, as a high school football player, was recruited by a major college as the hottest prospect of the year. An anonymous booster in the young man's hometown had written a letter to the college touting the young man's abilities, so a group of coaches flew down to interview him.
They told him that they had gotten a letter saying that he was a tremendous football player! He said, "I don't like to brag but I do alright."
They said, "We hear that you can run pretty fast. Can you run the hundred in 10 seconds?" He said, "The last time I ran it I did it in 9.2 seconds."
They replied, "That's unreal. We also heard that you can kick a football pretty good." He said, "To tell you the truth I can kick a football so hard that two times in the last three weeks I kicked a football so hard it just burst into pieces."
The said, "That's almost unbelievable." "What else can you do?" The young man said, "I can throw the football 70 yards in the air with pinpoint accuracy. I can run the ball. I can tackle. I can block. There's not anything that I can not do on a football team!"
Finally the coach said, "Wait a minute. There's got to be a problem. I bet you're stupid and you can't make the grades necessary to stay on the team. If we give you a scholarship you'll flunk out." The candidate said, "No, I'm a straight A student. I've been a straight A student since I was in kinder- garten. I've never made anything but straight A's on everything I've ever done."
The coach finally said, "I just can't believe it. Don't you have at least one weakness? There's bound to be at least one weakness in your life. Tell us what is your weakness."
He thought about it for a minute and finally said, "Well, I do lie a lot..."
"A liar is not believed even though he tells the truth."
- Chinese Proverb
Source: Chinese proverb
A FISH TO PROVE IT
A deacon sent in his apologies for the Sunday morning service, claiming that he was ill with flu. One of the members, however, said he had seen the deacon on his way to a ball game.
After the service, the minister went to visit the deacon, "Brother,"he said, "I have information that you were not sick at all this morning, but went to watch a ball game."
The deacon protested: "That's a vicious lie! And I'll show you my FISH to prove it!"
Source: unknown
Topics/Tags: Attendance; Lying; Fishing
THE 17TH CHAPTER OF MARK
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of LIARS. And in this connection, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The next Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. "Very good," said the preacher. "You are precisely the people I wish to speak to this morning. There IS no 17th chapter of Mark!"
Source: unknown
Topics/Tags: Lying; Word of god; Liars
A group from Long Island spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided to leave before the others, arriving at home about midnight. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house and buried the money.
The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man awakened the professor and dragged him over to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000, I'm going to kill him!", he screamed at the professor.
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend quickly replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard under the cherry tree."
The professor thought for a moment, then turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
Topics/Tags: Greed; Dishonesty; Lying; Crime
"People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election."
- Otto von Bismarck
Source: Otto von Bismarck
Topics/Tags: Lying; Dishonesty
Browse By Topic L Lying